I've been going through the paces the last month, first a grind while working, then left my job and kept grinding, then got an interview and yet, still grinding... Yet I cant seem to stay focused. For so long, I've been wanting an opportunity to get a better paying job and I got it! Yet, now I feel demotivated to follow through.
Let me elaborate, I have 2 tasks to do by Monday, 1 is already done, the 2nd is 99% there. Yet, I dont feel any excitement? Infact, I feel more motivated to stop early and not finish, than I do finishing it up. Though I imagine a large part of that is keeping my expectations tempered, so I dont get my hopes up too high, yet it affects me.
For perspective, I designed an abstract filesystem and ported pgrust. The first is a simple POC, but the 2nd is a pretty damn 'substantial' amount of work. And yet, as a task, I loved doing both, it's the interview that comes after I dont look forward to...
Idk if I'm alone in this, but it feels like hiring processes are being stretched out far too long. I'm from a small country, my last job was literally walk in to their office, 30 min tour and chat, asked how much I'm getting paid currently, he replied 'we can do that', contract in my inbox by the time I got home... Quick, simple, efficient, none of this long-winded 'but can you do this... Ok, but can you do THIS... Oh, how about this...' I hate it, I genuinely hate it.
I know I'm standing at the finish line and it's just that last interview standing between me and the job, but I despise interviews so much, that I dont even want to. I will, obviously, I'm not so full of it that I'd quit the process now... But it bothers me that my mind goes to that place. And I imagine I'm not the only one?
Part of it is definitely performance anxiety (stage-fright), while a large part of it is also fear of a ball and chain (like my last job turned out to be)... So dont worry, I'll finish the tasks, do the interview and land the job. I dont need any encouraging foot up my ass to get the job done. I just wanna know if any of you feel the same?
It's definitely not an isolated incident and most of it is caused by overthinking, yet I cant help but ask who else has found themselves at the precipice and choose not to jump? Well that sounds scary, the reality is way bleaker, you climb a ladder to the top, then jump off... Makes no sense, hence you dont do it, but why does the mind go there?
I guess a large part of it, is also what bothers me daily... I quit my job, so I can relax for a month or so, but now I'm trading job anxiety for hiring anxiety and it consumes my every thought all the same. It's not what I'd consider healthy rest, or relaxation, hell I cant even sit down and play a game, because I'm so stressed about getting the tasks done right. I cant even explain how many times I went through the AFS and its documentation, yet I still cant remember a thing because of the anxiety. I think I should just finish the last 1 up today, take tomorrow as a rest day, then sunday do a final run through and study up on it (maybe with flashcards).
I dont think this kind of reaction to 'getting a job' is healthy and if anyone has any advice on managing it, I'm sure there are plenty of people here who need to hear it. Stress is the bane of us all and it's odd, because it genuinely brings no value, yet we all succumb to it.